Uncontrollable Sadness

I honestly don't know what I am doing. I am sad all the time. I am bingeing more frequently. I am following old patterns with men. I am sleeping as much as possible. I try to go out as often as I can. These are all ways to avoid my reality. But what is even scarier is my reality isn't real. My reality says I am not worthy of a mans love. I am not worthy of friendships. I am not worthy of a family of my own. While the last is harder to do (I can't have children myself) these aren't reality. These are just things in my head that I cover up with what ever I can to avoid FINALLY dealing with it. Dealing with what ever is causing the warped sense of reality in my head.

This past weekend I stared at a bottle of Seroquel thinking "if I take them the pain will stop. I will have peace in my head, and the crying will stop" Then images of people I love flashed through my head. People that I wouldn't want to hurt. How would my friends explain to their kids that Aunt Carol just couldn't deal with life. How could I let my parents bury another child. How could I just leave them all. So I prayed and prayed and prayed. And cried myself to sleep.

The next day the sadness was still there. The pain was still there, mental and physical (I am so overweight now that everything hurts) I got up and tried to pretend. I got to work and I had trouble controlling my tears. I told a friend (that deals with depression herself) how bad it was last night.

I go home from work and I prepare food for a lunch tomorrow after church (cause I can't let anyone down by not making something) I make brownies for the same lunch (that didn't even get eaten at the lunch. Crush took them home so that's ok) And I wash my face change my clothes to head 3 hours to a concert that I am at the moment thinking "ugh... why is it tonight??" But we drive, we laugh, my mind is occupied, there are no tears.

Chris August, Capital Kings, Jamie Grace, Colton Dixon, Brandon Heath and then my girl Mandisa.. Stronger followed by Overcomer and words of Gods unfailing love. TEARS. Cleansing tears. Toby Mac comes out he's singing and talking. GOD HERE I AM!!! STEAL MY SHOW!!!! I met Mandisa. I am happy!!!

Doesn't last long. I get to church. Pastor preaches. I go to altar to pray. Friends surround me. One praying so hard for me. For peace. To fill my heart with God. To let me know how loved I am. (She knows about the pills is all that's going thru my head) Same friend I confided in had shared my words with others. Then tried to give me an "intervention" Seriously. Yes, I have a problem. Yes, I need help. No, I don't need it from you!!!

Walking away. See said friend talking to Crush out of the corner of my eye. Now he approaches and says "walk with me" I follow. I don't want to hear it from him either. But, I listen to him. He's right. He's always right. Kind of infuriating. "Just surrender and I will help you" shaking my head. How you going to help??? You are part of my problem and you don't even know it. I like you. And like every other man I am not good enough for you either. He's still talking on and on. My mind is racing. I'm crying. All I keep hearing is I love you, Surrender. Sigh. I'll think about it. I'm going home now. He says I love you. I don't answer. He says I love you. I still don't answer. I'm just thinking screw the lunch and everyone who is going to be there.

Walk to friends car I simply say "You play dirty and I'm going home" Crush's sweet child says "No Carol you have to come" How can I say no to her. Suck it up and go!!! Text Crush "love you" He says "love you more"  Pull into the cul de sac and said friend and I talk. I understand yes she loves me. Yes I need help. No I am not suicidal. Hug and move on.

Crush continues to talk about it inside the house. I finally Surrender. He grabs someone to witness. And just so happens she knows someone with a binge eating disorder. God thing?? Yes it is!!!

Monday rolls around I make appointment for therapy I go Jan 9th. Have I stopped bingeing not yet. Am I still crying and sleeping too much. You bet ya!!! Do I see light at the end of the tunnel. YES I DO!!!

Celebrate Recovery

I wrote this last week and didn't realize it was saved not published..

We all have a hurt, habit or hang up or two. The question is do yours effect your life in a negative way. Mine do!!! The self esteem issue and depression cause me to negative, weepy, and to hide from reality. And the food addiction causes me to gain mass amounts of weight and in turn risk health issues. I have diabetes and my body hurts all the time.
I decided to start attending Celebrate Recovery at GracePointe Nazarene (the best church ever). I stopped going for a little while cause I wasn't controlling my eating issues. I have since started going again recently. And this past Monday Pastor Doug asked me to read the 8 Principles. I said yes and then during worship I kept praying about it. Because reading the principles meant introducing myself and admitting my faults. I walk up front take the microphone and deep breath........ Hi my name is Carol, I am a grateful believer of Jesus Christ who suffers from depression, self esteem issues and.... food addiction. I have no trouble telling people of the first two. The food addiction on the other hand is quite apparent looking at me but I don't like to talk about it.
I am constantly on a "diet" and my weight yo yo's up and down depending on my emotional state of mind. I am choosing happiness!! I am choosing to give it up to God and letting go of it!! NO MORE TAKE BACKS!!!

Yes food addiction is real!!

It amazes me that people don't believe food addiction is real. I struggle DAILY and obviously by my current weight I have been losing the battle. I was trying to do it on my own. And I don't mean without support of friends, I have amazing supportive friends in my life. I mean with giving it over to God. And really giving it to him. I have a habit of giving it to him and then taking it back.

Addiction: My addiction to food began because alcohol and drug addictions are not socially acceptable and I would disappoint people if I did that. (Not saying I didn't do either just saying using them daily wasn't an option for me) See I am a people pleaser who wants everyone to like me. And I want everyone around me to be happy. While the whole time sacrificing my own happiness. In return comforting myself with a threesome (Me, Ben and Jerry ice-cream is my favorite binge item)

Depression: I don't know what causes depression. But for as long as I can remember I have battled with that also. I can remember in grade school coming home crying and singing the nobody likes me everybody hates me I think I'll eat a worm song. I still feel that way, I just don't sing the song anymore. And I know that this is not true. I have AMAZING friends and lots of them.

Self Esteem: Well obviously if I feel no one likes me it's because I have no self esteem.

So these are my struggles. This blog is to help me work through my struggles. I decided this past Sunday (with the help of a very honest friend) that I want to overcome my struggles. I want to be healthy and happy. And this time I am turning to God for help!! I may have to give it to him everyday several times a day. But I can and will OVERCOME!!!