I honestly don't know what I am doing. I am sad all the time. I am bingeing more frequently. I am following old patterns with men. I am sleeping as much as possible. I try to go out as often as I can. These are all ways to avoid my reality. But what is even scarier is my reality isn't real. My reality says I am not worthy of a mans love. I am not worthy of friendships. I am not worthy of a family of my own. While the last is harder to do (I can't have children myself) these aren't reality. These are just things in my head that I cover up with what ever I can to avoid FINALLY dealing with it. Dealing with what ever is causing the warped sense of reality in my head.
This past weekend I stared at a bottle of Seroquel thinking "if I take them the pain will stop. I will have peace in my head, and the crying will stop" Then images of people I love flashed through my head. People that I wouldn't want to hurt. How would my friends explain to their kids that Aunt Carol just couldn't deal with life. How could I let my parents bury another child. How could I just leave them all. So I prayed and prayed and prayed. And cried myself to sleep.
The next day the sadness was still there. The pain was still there, mental and physical (I am so overweight now that everything hurts) I got up and tried to pretend. I got to work and I had trouble controlling my tears. I told a friend (that deals with depression herself) how bad it was last night.
I go home from work and I prepare food for a lunch tomorrow after church (cause I can't let anyone down by not making something) I make brownies for the same lunch (that didn't even get eaten at the lunch. Crush took them home so that's ok) And I wash my face change my clothes to head 3 hours to a concert that I am at the moment thinking "ugh... why is it tonight??" But we drive, we laugh, my mind is occupied, there are no tears.
Chris August, Capital Kings, Jamie Grace, Colton Dixon, Brandon Heath and then my girl Mandisa.. Stronger followed by Overcomer and words of Gods unfailing love. TEARS. Cleansing tears. Toby Mac comes out he's singing and talking. GOD HERE I AM!!! STEAL MY SHOW!!!! I met Mandisa. I am happy!!!
Doesn't last long. I get to church. Pastor preaches. I go to altar to pray. Friends surround me. One praying so hard for me. For peace. To fill my heart with God. To let me know how loved I am. (She knows about the pills is all that's going thru my head) Same friend I confided in had shared my words with others. Then tried to give me an "intervention" Seriously. Yes, I have a problem. Yes, I need help. No, I don't need it from you!!!
Walking away. See said friend talking to Crush out of the corner of my eye. Now he approaches and says "walk with me" I follow. I don't want to hear it from him either. But, I listen to him. He's right. He's always right. Kind of infuriating. "Just surrender and I will help you" shaking my head. How you going to help??? You are part of my problem and you don't even know it. I like you. And like every other man I am not good enough for you either. He's still talking on and on. My mind is racing. I'm crying. All I keep hearing is I love you, Surrender. Sigh. I'll think about it. I'm going home now. He says I love you. I don't answer. He says I love you. I still don't answer. I'm just thinking screw the lunch and everyone who is going to be there.
Walk to friends car I simply say "You play dirty and I'm going home" Crush's sweet child says "No Carol you have to come" How can I say no to her. Suck it up and go!!! Text Crush "love you" He says "love you more" Pull into the cul de sac and said friend and I talk. I understand yes she loves me. Yes I need help. No I am not suicidal. Hug and move on.
Crush continues to talk about it inside the house. I finally Surrender. He grabs someone to witness. And just so happens she knows someone with a binge eating disorder. God thing?? Yes it is!!!
Monday rolls around I make appointment for therapy I go Jan 9th. Have I stopped bingeing not yet. Am I still crying and sleeping too much. You bet ya!!! Do I see light at the end of the tunnel. YES I DO!!!
